A candid story of accountability, which led directly to the creation of project jelinora.
A couple years ago, I lost four friendships, in this convenient order:
Person A
Person B
Person C
Person D
Four others directly connected with these people also became distant, and are now primarily in the realm of acquaintanceship. So eight close friends chose to distance themselves from me over the course of a year.
The end of my friendship with Person E a couple years before that is also part of this story.
Which brings the total to nine Goodbyes, several after almost two decades of friendship.
***
Part of working on accountability in my life and my relationships has involved holding fair, LOVEing witness for the stories and complexities of all our lives and choices. Instead of reciprocally receiving that kind of witness for my stories, I received far more than my share of blame and judgment from the friends above.
Some of that blame came at me directly. In a very human pattern, each accusation made of me was focused on the same behaviors I also experienced— and forgave— coming from the accuser. It feels true that the things we dislike about others are often the same as those we dislike most about ourselves.
I learned, through several unfortunate circumstances, that gossip has played a strong role in the stories my former friends shared with others. One phase involving Persons A, B and C was particularly manipulative and dishonorable; they went quite far in spinning their stories, perhaps trying to justify their behavior choices. (Telling a single story in vastly different ways depending on the social context is a skill I’ve noticed in people who are good at persuasion, and/or have trouble practicing deep personal accountability.)
I also experienced some silencing behavior towards my music from Persons A and C, and several instances of splitting behavior— having the potential to drive a wedge between me and others close to me— from Persons B, C and D.
In the cases of Persons C and D, I’ve lately understood that jealousy was likely an additional factor, when they learned that my relationship with Person B had become romantic and sexual. The moments I first shared the situation with each of them are burned into my polyamorous brain. The details they chose to focus on felt so strange, and their reactions were so intense and negative, in ways I didn't anticipate even a little. I’ve shared those reactions with several wise and non-judgmental people, all of whom suggested that since I don't have a strong experience of jealousy, maybe that's why I didn't recognize it.
***
When I first encountered Persons B, C and D in public after they distanced themselves from me, each of them tried to interact as if everything was socially normal. I imagine they thought of themselves as being polite and perhaps generous. For me, to interact in casually familiar ways would involve pretending I'm not hurting in those moments. Which would severely betray my commitment to meet the world as authentically as I’m able. For now, in these situations, I try to keep my gaze and my focus on other friends, and on my own inner equilibrium.
***
I'm painfully aware that when the same pattern evolves in relationship with a whole bunch of people and the common denominator is you, there's likely something wrong with your own behavior. No doubt I engage in behaviors that are harmful— defensiveness, hyper-rationality and insensitivity to emotional nuance are my big three. I See myself.
I witness two other things:
The Apologies I received for harms caused me were roughly equivalent to those I gave, in quality and in quantity. The same isn’t true in the realm of Amends— commitment to ongoing behavior change, and to specific repairs that might help compensate for the harm. I didn’t receive much of that, even as I gave it in ways all my former friends found inspiring… until they didn’t.
Most of the people whose friendships I lost have histories full of dramatic endings. I don't have that history; when I was 45, my friendship with Person E was the first that ever ended. (My first marriage ended when I was 33, but we were never friends.)
***
So I've sat with all this for a couple of years. I’ve created cathartic Art about it. I’ve connected with the perspectives of highly accountable people and programs and publications. I recognize now that as I cultivate an increasingly strong focus on transparently amending my behaviors, better understanding and respecting boundaries, and dedicating more integrity towards clarifying my own boundaries… the more some will choose to hyperfocus on my mistakes, and on any of my behaviors which make them uncomfortable, as a way to avoid discomfort with their own harmful behavior.
Ultimately, each of Persons A through E relinquished a significant degree of responsibility for their own part in our relational problems, at least in communicating about it to me. I'm now practicing a better sense of discernment when choosing who to be in relationship with, and how deeply. And I’m learning how to let go of relationships before they reach the point where the balance of accountability has shifted inappropriately onto my shoulders.
-Jennifer Elinora Grossi, April 2024